What’s an attachment style?

Without calling it that, Dr. Esther Perel provides a modern understanding of attachment style, particularly as it applies to the adult romantic relationship.

At 0:56, Dr. Perel identifies the two most common orientations people have towards relationships, which are born from our relationships of dependence in childhood:

“Some of us come out of our childhood wanting more connection, more protection, and more intimacy. And some of us will come out of our childhood wanting more space, and more freedom, and more individuality.”

Here she is illustrating how some partners within a relationship are mostly or more often motivated to have more togetherness and others more independence. Both are habits, or styles, formed in response to what was absent in our caregiving environment (everyone is oriented to seek what they lacked, whether togetherness or independence).

We can draw parallels between Esther’s description and historical names for these styles. A person who wants more connection, protection, and intimacy might be described as having anxious attachment style. A person who wants more space, freedom, and individuality would be described as having avoidant attachment style.

I’ve also heard this referred to as boats and islands. I prefer Esther’s understanding, as I find it more descriptive for being aware of one’s own tendency. However, knowing these other associated terms may help you further your understanding.

Two more important things to know about attachment style. The first is that attachment style and attachment security are two different things. Anxious and avoidant people can be highly “insecure,” which is unfortunately characterized without much compassion in a lot of media. Anxious and avoidant people can also be high in security. The other idea is to consider the relativity you have with your partner, whether the relationship is familial, romantic, or platonic. That is, it’s good to know if you are the more anxious or avoidant partner, relative to your partner. Also it’s good to know if you and your partner, as a couple, tend towards more anxious or more avoidant, relative to other couples. I’d say it’s also good to have this info about level of security, but sometimes the stigma associated with insecurity can bring up feelings of shame (which is unhelpful).

Therapy can help us develop wisdom about our attachment style and put words to the qualities of our attachments, allowing us to explain things to ourselves and others with complexity.