Codependence

It’s very common for subtle forms of codependence to exist within our intimate partnerships. It is often present in complaints bring to couples therapy: “things wouldn’t be so bad if only he changed!” Partners can get stuck wasting a lot of energy trying to get their partner to be who they think they need so that they won’t have to feel so much pain or anxiety.

In codependence, partners take on each other as work that needs to be accomplished. The roots of codependency often exist in early psychological difficulties and unresolved traumas. As children, we did not have the option to leave relationships that were not serving us. As adults, if we are able to realize it, the circumstances are different.

Codependence comes with certain kinds of comfort (avoiding the shame and discomfort of addressing one’s own limitations, needs, and capacities), certain kinds of stagnation (avoiding growth that comes with discomfort), and certain kinds of pain (frustration with one’s partner, high conflict, sense of instability or turmoil). The “solution” to codependency, simply put, is to give up trying to control your partner without giving up what you need. This is easier said than done because it can require us to embody a sense of agency that we might not feel and it can threaten the real areas of security within the relationship.

Strong feelings that we cannot leave our partner, even if we have to, or confusion about whether or not it is us or our partner contributing to entanglements are good reasons to talk to a therapist as an individual or as a couple.