Intimacy

“In to me you see” is a helpful moniker for understanding the result of emotional intimacy’s effect: feeling seen and known.

Intimacy is inherently a two-person process. It often takes turns, with one person experiencing being seen at a time. When experienced, intimacy is a harmonious state of connection between the observer and the observed, where the observed surrenders to letting themselves be seen and known, and the observer surrenders expectations of who else this person might be in favor of who this person actually is. It is possible for this to happen mutually, with both observed-observers being seen and seeing simultaneously. This is sometimes referred to as mutual recognition.

But intimacy is difficult to participate in for many reasons. Failed intimacy of the past may have left us fearful and avoidant of its opportunity in the present. Fears of failed dependence in the future may cause us to act out self preservation and lose sight of the other. We may lack the skills needed for negotiation in relationships. Our capacity for imagination of differences in the other person may be limited. The physiological arousal of intimacy feels overwhelmingly vulnerable and therefore scary. Shame makes it difficult to accept ourselves.

If we value intimacy in our lives, in its heart-centered and maturing way, then exploring our own participation in why we are not experiencing more of it is a worthwhile endeavor.

Related to accessing intimacy, in the following video Alan Botton from School of Life tells us what we seek most from intimate relationships: kindness, shared vulnerability, and understanding: